And of course the bribery begins when insufficient people sign-up (and I made no grammatical error there - I actually meant "insufficient people"). So organizers assure people that they "don't need to be any good", that "it's just for fun" and that "we'll go for drinks after". So the unskilled, the lazy and the thirsty begrudgingly add their names to the list and await the delivery of their ill-conceived team shirts, too small, too big, too ugly - never just right. Do you want X-large, Large or Medium? Does it f***ing matter? Let the mediocrity begin.
Despite the aforementioned risks, our office entered a growing annual event called the Corporate Challenge for the second year. After last year's escapade, we realized that we are small in number, small in physical stature and small in football skills. As my former hockey coach once said, "Dubois! You're small, but you're slow!"
However, we were giants on the stage at the WBM Talent Show, taking-home top prize for our cirque-themed performance art. And on the lawn bowling pitch, we also edged-out the competition. And we were spirited... although the competition administrators cheated-us of the spirit award, giving it to the company associated with the organizer's spouse. Apparently there was some Youtube statistic respecting video likes that showed a different number on the official competition computer, rather than the number that was displayed on all 26 of our computers. F*****s.
This year, in order to ensure that our office stands no possible chance of winning against the publicly-traded behemoths and multi-city-offices, the organizers removed the talent show from the competition. But they did leave us with one creative outlet - the pre-competition video and team picture. Of course, in their grand creativity, several offices put their people in T-shirts, huddled them together and made all sorts of novel and intriguing gestures, like the ol' thumbs up, number one, or pumped arm for a stunningly original photo. Nice. Other such luminary ideas included taking photos of people pretending to train for the competition, or arranging people in coloured shirts to form a word or logo. Also very original. Well played. No other team has done that yet, except for all of them.
But we don't do mediocre at our office. We have a mantra that's so kick-ass, I'm not permitted to share it publicly. And when we take-up a challenge, we approach it as the most singularly important matter to deal with at any given moment. We put our number-one associate in charge of our team, providing her with the budget and authority to get shit done. The Challenge became a fundamental and central focus of staff meetings, and people were appointed to their roles - this is not an occasion for half-assed volunteering. We study the challenges, we review the rules and we build our teams to win, matching people to the tasks for which they are most suited. We're not rich in people, but our people are rich in odd skills, and we will stretch them as far as necessary to reach for some wins. You know what's awful? Lame corporate events that purport to be fun. You know what's fun? Winning those events.
Anyway, when it came to a team name, a poster and a video, we developed a theme, because themes kick ass. And what kicks more ass than a straight-up assault? Assault literally includes ass kicking - we're lawyers, we know this kind of thing. And so, we give you ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WMCZ!
Please watch our video and "like" it on Youtube by clicking on the link below. Please don't watch other team's videos because: a) they aren't any good (we watched them once to ensure that they suck - and they do), and b) those teams will get points for your views.
My mother-in-law says that I should work in Hollywood. I agree. I think my family should sell all our things and move to a shitty two bedroom apartment on the outskirts of L.A. with a pool in the courtyard full of rotten leaves so I can write AMC's next smash series in a Starbucks on a Macbook. How about a remake of Airwolf? No one's done that yet, right?
But then again, my office is pretty f***ing deadly, so we'll probably just stay here. Please watch and like our video.
Furthermore, please view our team photo on Facebook and like it.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=590717437636672&set=a.590717200970029.1073741826.254831144558638&type=1&theater
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