Dear Canadian Media:
Toronto's daily weather is not national news. Please stop reporting it as such. This is getting ridiculous.
As my family and I bathed in the dark enveloping coolness of a four hour power outage at -30 degrees (not "feels like", but actually -30 as the true air temperature), we awoke to national headlines advising that Toronto was slushy, and that as a result of a coming "cold snap", the slush might freeze. I checked the temperature in Toronto: it's -5 degrees. Of course, it's getting as cold as -12 this evening and the overnight low tonight is... wait for it.... -19. The horror. Torontonians might have some ice, because that happens in freezing temperatures.
Last week, I recall hearing on CBC Radio One's morning national news accounts of people hearing cracking noises in Toronto when it dipped to a bone chilling -20 overnight. The fact that some cracking noises seemed unusual to some lake-front dwellers at that temperature informs us of just how infrequently it really reaches seriously cold temperatures in Canada's media darling, which also gives you some idea of how out-of-touch ol' Hogtown is with the climate in a large swath of this country. Lakes freeze at -20 - shifting ice and water make noises.
It's trite and a smidge self-righteous for me to point-out that we of the prairies have been living with daytime highs below -20 for several consecutive stretches in the last few months. Consider the people in the vast stretches of our territories north of 60: our prairie coldsnap probably seems quite tolerable to them. I do realize that the national media is reporting the Toronto weather as a function of relativity - perhaps it's currently colder than normal. I suppose that's news in some minor fashion - a sidebar to the local weather report. But it's not not national news - that's where this whole thing went off the rails. It's hard to solicit pity for the downtrodden residents of the Golden Horseshoe when their reported climatic suffering would constitute a thermal relief for a wide swath of the country. In Canada, overnight lows of -50 should attract some national consideration. Overnight lows of -20 are just "winter".
So seriously, Canadian Media, stop towing the line. Winter often sucks in this country, wherever you are. If you're in Vancouver, it's raining, if you're in the prairies or the north, it's bloody freezing, if you're on the east coast, it's storming, and if you're in Toronto.... well.... it's a damp cold, I guess (which, if you understood weather, indicates it's really not that cold). Let's just accept it, leave the complaints for the coffee shops and elevators, and get on with getting by until March. Stop reporting the woes of Toronto as national f*cking news. Couldn't you just dig-up a story on Rob Ford or something?
Monday, January 6, 2014
Friday, December 6, 2013
It's a Dry Cold. A Dry, Windy Cold.
Dear Weather and News Forecasters:
It was not -38 degrees Celsius in Regina this morning, nor was it -41in Saskatoon. The air temperatures were in the -20 to -30 degree C range. I checked several sources that measure air temperature. You are spreading misinformation and lies. Please stop it.
I know, I know - if I wait for the detailed discussion of the weather, you will, at some stage, acknowledge that although the air temperature is a balmy -23 C, the windchill effect makes you feel as though the temperature is -35. Invariably, and with more frequency, people are simply hearing the lowest "temperature" you broadcast, and, without fail, you loudly and boldly proclaim the artificial windchill "temperature" as if it is in fact the air temperature. You are feeding ignorance. I suppose we should expect this from people who make a living providing predictions, which, by most accounts, are consistently wrong. It's an interesting line of work.
Since the implementation of this new "equivalent temperature" treatment of windchill, which has only been in use for approximately 10 years, people take great daily pride in extolling daily winter "temperatures" that rarely reach above -25. I grow hot with rage recalling the number of recent occasions when work colleagues and elevator strangers declared to all present that "it's -53 out there - can you believe that?" No. I cannot, because it is a lie. It is -26, but it's breezy. As best as I can determine, the last time the actual recorded air temperature in Saskatchewan dipped below -50, was at Elrose in 2002, when a reading of -51.0 was recorded. However, if you listen to street talk, office noise and radio, it seems like -50 is a weekly occurence in January and February. In fact, the average daily maximum and minimum temperatures in Saskatoon in January are -12 and -22. That sounds pretty f*cking balmy compared to what I'm hearing.
Before the implementation of the current "equivalent temperature" treatment of windchill, the Canadian government used a relative measurement which factored in air temperature and wind speed to provide a scale indicating how quickly heat would be lost. You may recall windchill measurements like "1400", which was the threshold for frostbite to occur. Apparently, these measurements were confusing for people, because people are simple and they can only understand one-dimensional units of measurement. Of course, the index was an attempt to provide a comparative measure of compounded factors - temperature and wind. So one single unit of measure - ie. temperature - is not capable of providing a relevant measurement. Of course, mathematical impossibility has never stood in the way of human fiction.
In their wisdom, the U.S. and Canada agreed in 2001 to move to an "equivalent temperature" model, wherein they would use a series of formulas to arrive at a fictional temperature that is supposed to account for the cooling effect of wind speed. They just as easily could have chosen wind speed, and not temperature, as the single unit of measurement. Then your forecast would be as follows: "The wind is 5km/h today, but with the temperature at -18, it will feel like a true wind of 19km/h... so bundle up." That seems ridiculous. So should your fictional temperatures. But people love your fictional temperatures, because people love extreme weather. Too many people are taking odd pleasure in repeating the ridiculously low temperatures you report and it sickens me, mostly because the vast majority appear to actually believe the fictional temperature is, in fact, the real temperature.
Frankly, you don't know how I feel about certain wind speeds. If I'm facing away from the wind, it doesn't affect my temperature much at all. And -30 with no wind is still a very different sensation than -20 with a 17km/h wind, which Environment Canada tells us is equivalent to -30. In -30 and no wind, I'm not wearing a touque for a short walk - at -20 with a 17km/h wind, I'm wearing a damn touque. It's not the same f*cking thing. Give me the temperature, and give me the wind. I will cope accordingly, and you will refrain from spreading lies and misinformation. What about the sun. Haven't you ever felt the warmth of the sun on a clear, still -30 day? What about surface warming? Why don't you report that, "it's -30 outside, but with no wind and surface heating, it feels like -20"? If we're inventing temperatures, let's not do a half-ass job. Your profession is based on making consistently inaccurate predictions, and no one holds you accountable anyway.
And while we're on the subject, could you please tell all the ingrates from southern Ontario and the East Coast that there's no such thing as a "wet cold" and a "dry cold" in terms of winter temperatures on the prairies. Invariably, someone will advise that -20 in Saskatchewan isn't really that bad because it's a "dry cold". Of course it is. At -20, the air doesn't contain any moisture because it's physically impossible. In fact,, anywhere below 0 degrees, water is virtually non-existent in the air. See the chart below, which is based on physics, not feelings.
As such, I don't frankly care that some people "feel" that -4 in Toronto is colder than -4 in Saskatchewan because of the "dampness" - perhaps it's because Toronto is a cold, dark blackness of a settlement that smells of urine and is run by an addict. It doesn't give me warm feelings either. But -10 in Saskatchewan is colder and feels colder than - 4 in Toronto. At one time I had in my possession a copy of a study conducted by the Canadian Armed Forces which attempted to measure the "damp cold" effect. I have failed to find my copy of the study, so you will have to take my word (as we take your word respecting next Friday's weather) that the soldiers could not effectively distinguish between a damp cold and a dry cold at temperatures where it was even possible to alter the humidity level (see above chart respecting restrictions). Cold is cold, and people can't tell the difference.
And when we're dealing with important factors like, "will my vehicle start this morning", it depends on solely one thing: real air temperature. Your car doesn't care whether it's dry, wet or windy - it's simply a matter of temperature.
Now don't get me wrong on this. I'm not saying that wind has no effect on your body - it surely does. But wind doesn't change the air temperature, which is the only actual fact you have to report, in addition to the wind speed. I just take offence that you continue to report how I'm going to feel when I go outside as a fictional temperature. If weather is going to be based on feelings, why not just go all-in and report how you feel about the weather every day. Consider the wind, consider the sun, consider your coffee that morning and the quality of your date last night - and then just throw something out there... -12. Frankly, it's not going to be any less accurate than your forecast.
Frozen In Fictional Feelings,
DJD
It was not -38 degrees Celsius in Regina this morning, nor was it -41in Saskatoon. The air temperatures were in the -20 to -30 degree C range. I checked several sources that measure air temperature. You are spreading misinformation and lies. Please stop it.
I know, I know - if I wait for the detailed discussion of the weather, you will, at some stage, acknowledge that although the air temperature is a balmy -23 C, the windchill effect makes you feel as though the temperature is -35. Invariably, and with more frequency, people are simply hearing the lowest "temperature" you broadcast, and, without fail, you loudly and boldly proclaim the artificial windchill "temperature" as if it is in fact the air temperature. You are feeding ignorance. I suppose we should expect this from people who make a living providing predictions, which, by most accounts, are consistently wrong. It's an interesting line of work.
Since the implementation of this new "equivalent temperature" treatment of windchill, which has only been in use for approximately 10 years, people take great daily pride in extolling daily winter "temperatures" that rarely reach above -25. I grow hot with rage recalling the number of recent occasions when work colleagues and elevator strangers declared to all present that "it's -53 out there - can you believe that?" No. I cannot, because it is a lie. It is -26, but it's breezy. As best as I can determine, the last time the actual recorded air temperature in Saskatchewan dipped below -50, was at Elrose in 2002, when a reading of -51.0 was recorded. However, if you listen to street talk, office noise and radio, it seems like -50 is a weekly occurence in January and February. In fact, the average daily maximum and minimum temperatures in Saskatoon in January are -12 and -22. That sounds pretty f*cking balmy compared to what I'm hearing.
Before the implementation of the current "equivalent temperature" treatment of windchill, the Canadian government used a relative measurement which factored in air temperature and wind speed to provide a scale indicating how quickly heat would be lost. You may recall windchill measurements like "1400", which was the threshold for frostbite to occur. Apparently, these measurements were confusing for people, because people are simple and they can only understand one-dimensional units of measurement. Of course, the index was an attempt to provide a comparative measure of compounded factors - temperature and wind. So one single unit of measure - ie. temperature - is not capable of providing a relevant measurement. Of course, mathematical impossibility has never stood in the way of human fiction.
In their wisdom, the U.S. and Canada agreed in 2001 to move to an "equivalent temperature" model, wherein they would use a series of formulas to arrive at a fictional temperature that is supposed to account for the cooling effect of wind speed. They just as easily could have chosen wind speed, and not temperature, as the single unit of measurement. Then your forecast would be as follows: "The wind is 5km/h today, but with the temperature at -18, it will feel like a true wind of 19km/h... so bundle up." That seems ridiculous. So should your fictional temperatures. But people love your fictional temperatures, because people love extreme weather. Too many people are taking odd pleasure in repeating the ridiculously low temperatures you report and it sickens me, mostly because the vast majority appear to actually believe the fictional temperature is, in fact, the real temperature.
Frankly, you don't know how I feel about certain wind speeds. If I'm facing away from the wind, it doesn't affect my temperature much at all. And -30 with no wind is still a very different sensation than -20 with a 17km/h wind, which Environment Canada tells us is equivalent to -30. In -30 and no wind, I'm not wearing a touque for a short walk - at -20 with a 17km/h wind, I'm wearing a damn touque. It's not the same f*cking thing. Give me the temperature, and give me the wind. I will cope accordingly, and you will refrain from spreading lies and misinformation. What about the sun. Haven't you ever felt the warmth of the sun on a clear, still -30 day? What about surface warming? Why don't you report that, "it's -30 outside, but with no wind and surface heating, it feels like -20"? If we're inventing temperatures, let's not do a half-ass job. Your profession is based on making consistently inaccurate predictions, and no one holds you accountable anyway.
And while we're on the subject, could you please tell all the ingrates from southern Ontario and the East Coast that there's no such thing as a "wet cold" and a "dry cold" in terms of winter temperatures on the prairies. Invariably, someone will advise that -20 in Saskatchewan isn't really that bad because it's a "dry cold". Of course it is. At -20, the air doesn't contain any moisture because it's physically impossible. In fact,, anywhere below 0 degrees, water is virtually non-existent in the air. See the chart below, which is based on physics, not feelings.
As such, I don't frankly care that some people "feel" that -4 in Toronto is colder than -4 in Saskatchewan because of the "dampness" - perhaps it's because Toronto is a cold, dark blackness of a settlement that smells of urine and is run by an addict. It doesn't give me warm feelings either. But -10 in Saskatchewan is colder and feels colder than - 4 in Toronto. At one time I had in my possession a copy of a study conducted by the Canadian Armed Forces which attempted to measure the "damp cold" effect. I have failed to find my copy of the study, so you will have to take my word (as we take your word respecting next Friday's weather) that the soldiers could not effectively distinguish between a damp cold and a dry cold at temperatures where it was even possible to alter the humidity level (see above chart respecting restrictions). Cold is cold, and people can't tell the difference.
And when we're dealing with important factors like, "will my vehicle start this morning", it depends on solely one thing: real air temperature. Your car doesn't care whether it's dry, wet or windy - it's simply a matter of temperature.
Now don't get me wrong on this. I'm not saying that wind has no effect on your body - it surely does. But wind doesn't change the air temperature, which is the only actual fact you have to report, in addition to the wind speed. I just take offence that you continue to report how I'm going to feel when I go outside as a fictional temperature. If weather is going to be based on feelings, why not just go all-in and report how you feel about the weather every day. Consider the wind, consider the sun, consider your coffee that morning and the quality of your date last night - and then just throw something out there... -12. Frankly, it's not going to be any less accurate than your forecast.
Frozen In Fictional Feelings,
DJD
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
My Deadbeat Friend Asked for an Update
My freind Adam worked for the provincial government. They had a program wherein Adam contributed a portion of his salary over time to some reserve fund or some junk and was then entitled to take a year leave with pay to do sweet bugger-all. In fact, his then date also committed to the same program with the province. As a result, they have been travelling the world for the past year without care or consequence. They actually got engaged in South Africa (presumably with a blood diamond).
A while back, nearing the end of our cold, hard winter, Adam inquired as to how I was doing. I provided the following reply. For a bit of context, our other friend recently bought a bar in Whitehorse, YT, we have another friend who runs a practice in rural Alberta, and on one occasion, I did stay in the worst condemned hotel that Whitehorse had to offer, which did result in a bloody injury from all the smashed glass littering the hallway. I lead a charmed life.
A while back, nearing the end of our cold, hard winter, Adam inquired as to how I was doing. I provided the following reply. For a bit of context, our other friend recently bought a bar in Whitehorse, YT, we have another friend who runs a practice in rural Alberta, and on one occasion, I did stay in the worst condemned hotel that Whitehorse had to offer, which did result in a bloody injury from all the smashed glass littering the hallway. I lead a charmed life.
Dear Adam:
For starters, they changed the unlock code on the doors
in our hallway today. You can imagine the confusion and disorientation that has
resulted. I couldn't even tell you what the old code was - it was just a pattern
etched in my muscle memory. And it's so hard to change. I've run my shoulder
clean into the door at a high rate of force no fewer than four times today.
Doors are hard, as is change.
As you may or may not know, I have two (2) children by
the names of Hudson and Hugo, in order of birth from first to last. Hudson,
whom I call Hudder, is a thoughtful, inquisitive but unsettled fellow who
enjoys staying awake, not eating and sticking things in slots and holes. He
also enjoys tractors, diggers, trucks, hockey and dancing. He recently
discovered that the syringe we use to administer Advil will also extract his
pee from the potty and once rendered him the most powerful boy with a
pee-filled syringe. He also likes nipples. He is a curious fellow.
Hugo, whom I call Not (short for Huguenot - an ode to 16th century French protestants), is a very
good looking baby who has recently acquired crawling as a form of
transportation. He enjoys eating as much as I do, and boob. He has sprouted six
teeth which he uses to eat ribs, pork chops and bacon between suckling at the
teat. He has significant cellulite on his bum, perhaps as a result of his
consumption. He also enjoys knocking things over and trying to eat my glasses.
My hope is that one day, after wallowing in the seas of
uncertainty and introspection, my two boys will purchase a bar in Whitehorse,
YT or a law practice in rural Alberta. I sure's hell hope they don't go to work
for a mid-sized law firm in a mid-sized prairie city, because as far as I can
tell, that's a one-way ticket to mediocrity, inflammation and a chronic
shortage of funds.
I also have a wife named Maeghan who continues to look as
if she's fostered no children. However, she doesn't currently earn any income
beyond the standard EI benefits our system pays to mothers on leave. But our
long hard winter with two gnomes drove her to such depths by the start of
February, that she arranged to look at bigger houses with a realtor in such
suburbs as Stonebridge and Rosewood and other such non-descript dirt holes. We
quickly realized they were awful, and committed, instead, to spending the money
we didn't have on finishing our basement. And like all good debtor-creditor
lawyers do, I hired a contractor on a handshake and prayer. Two months
over-time and about $8,000.00 over budget, we've got the funkiest f*cking
basement this side of Taylor Street.... just in time for the out-of-doors
season. Oh well. We'll have winter again. But seriously - my wife designed a
cool f*cking basement. But there were some initial issues.
The morning after "opening"
the basement, we found the bathroom vanity lying on the floor - it had fallen
clean off the wall. They came and fixed that. Then, a few days later, the
shelving and hanging rod in the closet collapsed and punched holes through the
drywall. They came and fixed that too. I just hope the ceiling doesn't
collapse. We got a really good deal though, so that's good. Written contracts
are for sissies.
Anyway, the long and short is that we're poor in money,
but rich in basements and guys. We also have the following items for sale,
which might interest you: two bookshelves of middling quality but good
condition, a Queen size box-spring and bed frame, a heavy-duty wall mount (with
swivel) for a 40" to 52" television, a Technics keyboard from 1991
that my brother originally paid $1,200.00 for - it has a midi port which was
kind of a big deal for 1991... it also has cool-ass sound effects. Should
anyone be interested in these items, we'd be pleased to offer you a significant
discount off the FMV.
But we've got lots of grandparents who love our children,
so they help carry the load. I already fell asleep twice this week putting
Hudder to bed - we're just so tired all the time. So it's nice when someone
else takes our children - we do fun things, like nap and clean. It's odd though
- Marcel was such an angry man for so many years, and now he does whatever his
grandchildren ask of him and he just doesn't seem angry at all. Hudder
regularly demands rides in the John Deere Tractor and I suspect Hudder is going
to break the farm with the fuel consumption from driving in circles. And the
escalating battles between the grandparents for grandchild satisfaction will,
eventually, have disastrous results - Hudon's going to have his own Sherman
tank by the time he's six (6). Papa Dubois will probably arrange for him to
hunt a hobo at some stage.
Anyway, I'm pretty much the same as ever except less
drunk, more tired and a little confused about everything. But it's fine I
think. I do have a pretty good family and I have to say that having some little
guys around is fascinating... they are weird creatures. I'm just so f*cking
tired all the time. I just really want a nap.
But good work on the engagement... I mean, you might just
as well, all things considered and whatnot. If you two are still generally
enjoying each other's company at this stage, that's a pretty good sign. Maybe
you could have a Whitehorse Wedding and we could all go up there. I know a
shitty, haunted hotel up there that probably still has some of our blood in the
carpet.
I've attached some photos for your reference.
1. Two guys.
2. A picture coloured by someone in our family.
3. The vanity that fell.
4. My water meter reading.
5. Jan (of our law class) and her dad at her dad's
pant factory in Moose Jaw.*
If you have nothing to do between August and the new
year, you are welcome to spend some time in our basement. It has a murphy bed,
very soft carpet, a two-person steam shower and a projector for a TV. We could
probably use a tenant with some money anyway.
Don't get arrested,
DJD
* Jan and I ran a full QB trial in Moose Jaw about a
month ago. Her dad owns an honest-to-god pant factory. They make only men's
pants and shorts for HBC, Mark's and other large retailers. Unlike Bangladesh
factories, Canaday's Apparel has never collapsed nor burned. When we concluded
our trial I bought some pants at a very deep discount. If you need pants, shoot
me an email - I can hook you up. I even got a very nice pleated navy dress
short.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Living the Dream: Watch My Damn Video
The thing about "fun" events in the business community is that they are usually borderline awful. The unworkable mix of age, ability and interests result in awkward displays of mediocrity from packs of soft people wearing ill-fitted and poorly-designed team shirts. Without fail, the most useless people in the office volunteer to head the effort because, frankly, they aren't doing anything else. And for those in charge of the office, the activity presents something semi-useful those twits can finally do. Everyone else is too busy to care anyway.
And of course the bribery begins when insufficient people sign-up (and I made no grammatical error there - I actually meant "insufficient people"). So organizers assure people that they "don't need to be any good", that "it's just for fun" and that "we'll go for drinks after". So the unskilled, the lazy and the thirsty begrudgingly add their names to the list and await the delivery of their ill-conceived team shirts, too small, too big, too ugly - never just right. Do you want X-large, Large or Medium? Does it f***ing matter? Let the mediocrity begin.
Despite the aforementioned risks, our office entered a growing annual event called the Corporate Challenge for the second year. After last year's escapade, we realized that we are small in number, small in physical stature and small in football skills. As my former hockey coach once said, "Dubois! You're small, but you're slow!"
However, we were giants on the stage at the WBM Talent Show, taking-home top prize for our cirque-themed performance art. And on the lawn bowling pitch, we also edged-out the competition. And we were spirited... although the competition administrators cheated-us of the spirit award, giving it to the company associated with the organizer's spouse. Apparently there was some Youtube statistic respecting video likes that showed a different number on the official competition computer, rather than the number that was displayed on all 26 of our computers. F*****s.
This year, in order to ensure that our office stands no possible chance of winning against the publicly-traded behemoths and multi-city-offices, the organizers removed the talent show from the competition. But they did leave us with one creative outlet - the pre-competition video and team picture. Of course, in their grand creativity, several offices put their people in T-shirts, huddled them together and made all sorts of novel and intriguing gestures, like the ol' thumbs up, number one, or pumped arm for a stunningly original photo. Nice. Other such luminary ideas included taking photos of people pretending to train for the competition, or arranging people in coloured shirts to form a word or logo. Also very original. Well played. No other team has done that yet, except for all of them.
But we don't do mediocre at our office. We have a mantra that's so kick-ass, I'm not permitted to share it publicly. And when we take-up a challenge, we approach it as the most singularly important matter to deal with at any given moment. We put our number-one associate in charge of our team, providing her with the budget and authority to get shit done. The Challenge became a fundamental and central focus of staff meetings, and people were appointed to their roles - this is not an occasion for half-assed volunteering. We study the challenges, we review the rules and we build our teams to win, matching people to the tasks for which they are most suited. We're not rich in people, but our people are rich in odd skills, and we will stretch them as far as necessary to reach for some wins. You know what's awful? Lame corporate events that purport to be fun. You know what's fun? Winning those events.
Anyway, when it came to a team name, a poster and a video, we developed a theme, because themes kick ass. And what kicks more ass than a straight-up assault? Assault literally includes ass kicking - we're lawyers, we know this kind of thing. And so, we give you ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WMCZ!
Please watch our video and "like" it on Youtube by clicking on the link below. Please don't watch other team's videos because: a) they aren't any good (we watched them once to ensure that they suck - and they do), and b) those teams will get points for your views.
My mother-in-law says that I should work in Hollywood. I agree. I think my family should sell all our things and move to a shitty two bedroom apartment on the outskirts of L.A. with a pool in the courtyard full of rotten leaves so I can write AMC's next smash series in a Starbucks on a Macbook. How about a remake of Airwolf? No one's done that yet, right?
But then again, my office is pretty f***ing deadly, so we'll probably just stay here. Please watch and like our video.
Furthermore, please view our team photo on Facebook and like it.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=590717437636672&set=a.590717200970029.1073741826.254831144558638&type=1&theater
And of course the bribery begins when insufficient people sign-up (and I made no grammatical error there - I actually meant "insufficient people"). So organizers assure people that they "don't need to be any good", that "it's just for fun" and that "we'll go for drinks after". So the unskilled, the lazy and the thirsty begrudgingly add their names to the list and await the delivery of their ill-conceived team shirts, too small, too big, too ugly - never just right. Do you want X-large, Large or Medium? Does it f***ing matter? Let the mediocrity begin.
Despite the aforementioned risks, our office entered a growing annual event called the Corporate Challenge for the second year. After last year's escapade, we realized that we are small in number, small in physical stature and small in football skills. As my former hockey coach once said, "Dubois! You're small, but you're slow!"
However, we were giants on the stage at the WBM Talent Show, taking-home top prize for our cirque-themed performance art. And on the lawn bowling pitch, we also edged-out the competition. And we were spirited... although the competition administrators cheated-us of the spirit award, giving it to the company associated with the organizer's spouse. Apparently there was some Youtube statistic respecting video likes that showed a different number on the official competition computer, rather than the number that was displayed on all 26 of our computers. F*****s.
This year, in order to ensure that our office stands no possible chance of winning against the publicly-traded behemoths and multi-city-offices, the organizers removed the talent show from the competition. But they did leave us with one creative outlet - the pre-competition video and team picture. Of course, in their grand creativity, several offices put their people in T-shirts, huddled them together and made all sorts of novel and intriguing gestures, like the ol' thumbs up, number one, or pumped arm for a stunningly original photo. Nice. Other such luminary ideas included taking photos of people pretending to train for the competition, or arranging people in coloured shirts to form a word or logo. Also very original. Well played. No other team has done that yet, except for all of them.
But we don't do mediocre at our office. We have a mantra that's so kick-ass, I'm not permitted to share it publicly. And when we take-up a challenge, we approach it as the most singularly important matter to deal with at any given moment. We put our number-one associate in charge of our team, providing her with the budget and authority to get shit done. The Challenge became a fundamental and central focus of staff meetings, and people were appointed to their roles - this is not an occasion for half-assed volunteering. We study the challenges, we review the rules and we build our teams to win, matching people to the tasks for which they are most suited. We're not rich in people, but our people are rich in odd skills, and we will stretch them as far as necessary to reach for some wins. You know what's awful? Lame corporate events that purport to be fun. You know what's fun? Winning those events.
Anyway, when it came to a team name, a poster and a video, we developed a theme, because themes kick ass. And what kicks more ass than a straight-up assault? Assault literally includes ass kicking - we're lawyers, we know this kind of thing. And so, we give you ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WMCZ!
Please watch our video and "like" it on Youtube by clicking on the link below. Please don't watch other team's videos because: a) they aren't any good (we watched them once to ensure that they suck - and they do), and b) those teams will get points for your views.
My mother-in-law says that I should work in Hollywood. I agree. I think my family should sell all our things and move to a shitty two bedroom apartment on the outskirts of L.A. with a pool in the courtyard full of rotten leaves so I can write AMC's next smash series in a Starbucks on a Macbook. How about a remake of Airwolf? No one's done that yet, right?
But then again, my office is pretty f***ing deadly, so we'll probably just stay here. Please watch and like our video.
Furthermore, please view our team photo on Facebook and like it.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=590717437636672&set=a.590717200970029.1073741826.254831144558638&type=1&theater
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Open Letter to Klean Kanteen: Kan We Kall This Off?
Dear Klean Kanteen:
I thoroughly enjoy the whimsy of your K-laden name, and I appreciate that you had sufficient foresight to refrain from kalling yourself the Klean Kanteen Kompany.
On January 21, 2013, I ordered a series of spill-proof kaps from your website to retro-fit a series of bottles our toddlers drink from on a daily basis. Although the paint is peeling a little from a kouple of the bottles, they are sturdy, robust and aesthetically pleasing vessels - we appreciate them as objects of industrial design. I much prefer that our children drink from Klean Kanteens than from other unfortunately branded toddler kups, like Playtex. Although the Playtex kups seem to be reasonably functional and leak-free, I have difficulty in letting my toddler drink from a vessel named for a company that built its reputation in women's underwear and revolutionary feminine hygiene products. Surely Playtex kould have found a more appropriate name under which to market their drinking kups and soothers: perhaps "Tottex" or "PlayTot". As it turns out, Energizer Holdings actually owns Playtex Products LLC. I'd be much more inclined to have my guys drinking from Energizer kups than from Playtex ones. But as the world turns, we found Klean Kanteen and we haven't looked back.
We recently ordered new kaps through your website because we kould not find a Kanadian retailer who sold the new spill-proof kaps independently from the bottles - and we already had a supply of robust bottles. The shipping and handling on the kaps was a little steep at $23.25 when the total order was only $28.25, but the new kaps are soooo much better than your original caps that the kost was worth every nickel (we don't have Canadian pennies anymore).
Since our initial order in January, I have received no fewer than four emails per month advising of special deals on your Klean Kanteen kontainers. Thank you for your kontinuing efforts to keep me abreast of special deals on your various steel liquid kontainers. Please understand that our need for metal drinking kontainers is rather limited. I believe we have five of your Kid Kanteens, which are all fabulous, by-the-way, and I even treated myself to a large green bottle with a new sport top. So for now, I think we're good. We only transport so much liquid per day. And what with the promotional koffee kups and water bottles from various service providers and fun runs, our inventory of portable liquid kontainers is really quite saturated. Furthermore, most, if not all, the consumable liquids we have recently purchased from retailers have come pre-kontained in various forms of packaging that generally suffice. I have not accessed a bulk consumable liquid in a retail setting for some time, excepting for one particular situation which arises from time-to-time - which leads me to your steel Kup.
Although your steel pint kup for my favourite frosty on-tap beer is a novel endeavour, you are likely to find, if you spend some time in pubs, that most places will serve your beer with a reasonably klean glass drinking vessel, for free. Those glass kups are also re-usable and non-toxic, akin to your steel kup (although the toxicity of the contents will vary). The difference is that you won't have to carry around a filthy beer kup if you rely on the house kup. I just thought I'd raise the issue for your konsideration, as I worry about your kontinuing investment in the Kup.
And judging by the lasting quality of our kurrent Kanteens, I kan't foresee that we'll need replacements for a good seven to ten years, at which point we will probably just walk down to a local retailer in order to save your steep shipping and handling kosts. You really do make a quality product, and you have an exceptional retail presence. It was just your kaps that needed some improvement in design and distribution. And you nailed the design part.
Furthermore, I am unlikely to update my Klean Kanteen on-line profile so that you can "send (me) the most relevant info & discounts" respecting your Kanteens. Frankly, I'm a little perplexed at how you could narrow your info & discounts much further - you sell steel liquid kontainers. It seems that either I'm in your market or I'm not. But then again, I have virtually no experience in steel drink kontainer sales or marketing. Anyway, I'm going to take the chance that I might be missing out on some extremely focussed and relevant info & discounts respecting your Kanteens. Thank you for offering though. I have also refrained from signing into your website, as I don't feel that I really need another user name and password to a website that I only intend to access once in seven to ten years.
Finally, I will not tweet your website, post it to Facebook, like your Facebook, Pin your site, or Instagram you. I really just wanted some replacement kaps. We are not friends, nor are we professional colleagues - we need not be Linked-in. I bought some stuff from you. That's where this relationship needs to end. You make a great product, you really do. And when my need arises for a steel drink kontainer, you're number one on my list. But I need you to move on now. I will be digging through the fine text of your wonderfully crafted e-flyer tonight to find the unsubscribe button. I'm sorry.
Your Karing Kustomer,
D. Dubois
I thoroughly enjoy the whimsy of your K-laden name, and I appreciate that you had sufficient foresight to refrain from kalling yourself the Klean Kanteen Kompany.
On January 21, 2013, I ordered a series of spill-proof kaps from your website to retro-fit a series of bottles our toddlers drink from on a daily basis. Although the paint is peeling a little from a kouple of the bottles, they are sturdy, robust and aesthetically pleasing vessels - we appreciate them as objects of industrial design. I much prefer that our children drink from Klean Kanteens than from other unfortunately branded toddler kups, like Playtex. Although the Playtex kups seem to be reasonably functional and leak-free, I have difficulty in letting my toddler drink from a vessel named for a company that built its reputation in women's underwear and revolutionary feminine hygiene products. Surely Playtex kould have found a more appropriate name under which to market their drinking kups and soothers: perhaps "Tottex" or "PlayTot". As it turns out, Energizer Holdings actually owns Playtex Products LLC. I'd be much more inclined to have my guys drinking from Energizer kups than from Playtex ones. But as the world turns, we found Klean Kanteen and we haven't looked back.
We recently ordered new kaps through your website because we kould not find a Kanadian retailer who sold the new spill-proof kaps independently from the bottles - and we already had a supply of robust bottles. The shipping and handling on the kaps was a little steep at $23.25 when the total order was only $28.25, but the new kaps are soooo much better than your original caps that the kost was worth every nickel (we don't have Canadian pennies anymore).
Since our initial order in January, I have received no fewer than four emails per month advising of special deals on your Klean Kanteen kontainers. Thank you for your kontinuing efforts to keep me abreast of special deals on your various steel liquid kontainers. Please understand that our need for metal drinking kontainers is rather limited. I believe we have five of your Kid Kanteens, which are all fabulous, by-the-way, and I even treated myself to a large green bottle with a new sport top. So for now, I think we're good. We only transport so much liquid per day. And what with the promotional koffee kups and water bottles from various service providers and fun runs, our inventory of portable liquid kontainers is really quite saturated. Furthermore, most, if not all, the consumable liquids we have recently purchased from retailers have come pre-kontained in various forms of packaging that generally suffice. I have not accessed a bulk consumable liquid in a retail setting for some time, excepting for one particular situation which arises from time-to-time - which leads me to your steel Kup.
Although your steel pint kup for my favourite frosty on-tap beer is a novel endeavour, you are likely to find, if you spend some time in pubs, that most places will serve your beer with a reasonably klean glass drinking vessel, for free. Those glass kups are also re-usable and non-toxic, akin to your steel kup (although the toxicity of the contents will vary). The difference is that you won't have to carry around a filthy beer kup if you rely on the house kup. I just thought I'd raise the issue for your konsideration, as I worry about your kontinuing investment in the Kup.
And judging by the lasting quality of our kurrent Kanteens, I kan't foresee that we'll need replacements for a good seven to ten years, at which point we will probably just walk down to a local retailer in order to save your steep shipping and handling kosts. You really do make a quality product, and you have an exceptional retail presence. It was just your kaps that needed some improvement in design and distribution. And you nailed the design part.
Furthermore, I am unlikely to update my Klean Kanteen on-line profile so that you can "send (me) the most relevant info & discounts" respecting your Kanteens. Frankly, I'm a little perplexed at how you could narrow your info & discounts much further - you sell steel liquid kontainers. It seems that either I'm in your market or I'm not. But then again, I have virtually no experience in steel drink kontainer sales or marketing. Anyway, I'm going to take the chance that I might be missing out on some extremely focussed and relevant info & discounts respecting your Kanteens. Thank you for offering though. I have also refrained from signing into your website, as I don't feel that I really need another user name and password to a website that I only intend to access once in seven to ten years.
Finally, I will not tweet your website, post it to Facebook, like your Facebook, Pin your site, or Instagram you. I really just wanted some replacement kaps. We are not friends, nor are we professional colleagues - we need not be Linked-in. I bought some stuff from you. That's where this relationship needs to end. You make a great product, you really do. And when my need arises for a steel drink kontainer, you're number one on my list. But I need you to move on now. I will be digging through the fine text of your wonderfully crafted e-flyer tonight to find the unsubscribe button. I'm sorry.
Your Karing Kustomer,
D. Dubois
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